Editing The Wickedictionary (section)

==A==
'''Ability:''' ''n.'' that which will never catch up with the demand for it.<ref>Confucius</ref>

'''Abstract art:''' ''n.'' a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.<ref>Albert Camus</ref> 

'''Absurdity:''' ''n.'' a statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Academia:''' ''n.'' a chronic disease characterized by a compulsion to write lengthy specialized treatises in unintelligible vocabularies, for the purpose of rising in the esteem of those similarly afflicted.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Accordion:''' ''n.'' a bagpipe with pleats.

'''Accountant:''' ''n.'' 1. a dutiful book-balancer whose role within a corporation is to protect if from creative ideas.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref> 

'''Accountant:''' ''n.'' 2. a person who will prove that two and two did make four, but, after deduction of professional fees, now only comes to three.

'''Accusation:''' ''n.'' a disguised confession, where the accuser projects his own misdemeanor upon a hapless bystander.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Actor:''' ''n.'' a professional exhibitionist who manufactures emotions in a manner convincing enough to earn a living.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Addict:''' ''n.'' a hobbyist with commitment.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Julian O'Shea, 2009</ref> 

'''Administration:''' ''n.'' a virus that spreads throughout any organization that rapidly replicates to create more administration. Can be fatal.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Admiration:''' ''n.'' our feeling of delight that another person resembles us.<ref>Evan Esar, but looks like he ripped it from Ambrose Bierce's “Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.”</ref>

'''Adore:''' ''v.t.'' to venerate expectantly.<ref>Ambrose Bierce</ref>

'''Adult:'''  ''n.'' 1. a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

'''Adult:''' ''n.'' 2. a socially obedient child.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Jacob Irving, 2010</ref> 

'''Adult:''' ''n.'' 3. an obsolete child.<ref>Dr Seuss</ref>

'''Adultery:''' ''n.'' 1. is the application of democracy to love.<ref>H. L. Mencken</ref>

'''Adultery:''' ''n.'' 2. the noble act of sharing taken to its logical limits.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Adultery:'''  ''n.'' 3. an alarmingly popular sin that, despite its name, appeals primarily to those in search of a second adolescence.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Advertising:''' ''n.'' is the rattling of a stick inside a swill-bucket.<ref>George Orwell</ref> 

'''Afternoon:''' ''n.'' that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

'''Age:''' ''n.'' the gift of acquiring eyesight too poor to notice any wrinkles.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Cheryl Rae, 2010</ref>

'''Agent's fee:''' ''n.'' the tribute that art pays to commerce.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Agnostic:''' ''n.'' one whose extreme skepticism even keeps them from being an atheist.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2009</ref>

'''Airport:''' ''n.'' a destination to which we proceed with haste so that we can glance at our watches for the next two and a half hours.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Air stewardess:''' ''n.'' a mile high waitress.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Alcoholic:''' ''n.'' someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.<ref>Dylan Thomas</ref>

'''Alimony:''' ''n.'' 1. is like buying hay for a dead horse.<ref>Groucho Marx</ref> 

'''Alimony:''' ''n.'' 2. the sum of money a man is commanded to pay his ex-wife in exchange for the pleasure of having her live under a separate roof.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Alpha male:''' ''n.'' a somewhat inferior specimen of the male species who excessively overcompensates for his lack of testosterone.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Ambassador:''' ''n.'' a wealthy person exiled to an alien land for the purpose of throwing parties, presumably with the hope of extracting government secrets from tipsy natives.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Ambition:''' ''n.'' 1. is the last refuge of the failure.<ref>Oscar Wilde, ''Phrases and Philosophies for the use of the Young'' (1894)</ref>

'''Ambition:''' ''n.'' 2. a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.<ref>Steven Wright</ref>

'''Americans:''' ''n. pl.'' are escaped convicts. His Majesty is fortunate to be rid of such rabble.<ref>Oliver Sharpin</ref> 

'''Amnesia:''' ''n.'' a condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.

'''Amnesty:''' ''n.'' the state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Anarchist:''' ''n.'' one who is disappointed with the future before it even happens.

'''Anger:''' ''n.'' is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.<ref>Evan Esar</ref>

'''Anorexic:''' ''n.'' exhibiting the alluring slimness of a skeleton, like the prose style of a minimalist writer.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Antique:''' ''n.'' an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you’re buying again.

'''Appeaser:''' ''n.''  is one who feeds a crocodile—hoping it will eat him last.<ref>Winston Churchill</ref>

'''Appeal:''' ''n.'' (''legal term'') to put the dice in the box for another throw.<ref>Ambrose Bierce</ref>

'''A priori:''' ''adj.'' the term applied to reasoning from pre-existing knowledge, or even cherished prejudices.<ref>''Chambers Gigglossary''</ref>

'''Assumption:''' ''n.'' an error of which you are as yet unaware.

'''Aphorism:''' ''n.'' predigested wisdom.<ref>Ambrose Bierce</ref>

'''Archbishop:''' ''n.'' a Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.<ref>H. L. Mencken</ref> 

'''Argument:''' ''n.'' an exchange of words between people with diametrically opposed views, all of whom know that they are right.

'''Aristocracy:''' ''n.'' another name for well organized bad manners.

'''Art:''' ''n.'' 1. is moral passion married to entertainment. Moral passion without entertainment is propaganda, and entertainment without moral passion is television.<ref>Rita Mae Brown</ref>

'''Art:''' ''n.'' 2. is a step from what is obvious and well-known toward what is arcane and concealed.<ref>Kahlil Gibran</ref>

'''Art:''' ''n.'' 3. is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better.<ref>Andre Gide</ref>

'''Art:''' ''n.'' 4. is magic delivered from the lie of being truth.<ref>Theodor Adorno</ref>

'''Artificial insemination:''' ''n.'' procreation without recreation.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Artist:''' ''n.'' 1. is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.<ref>Andy Warhol</ref>

'''Artist:''' ''n.'' 2. being an artist means ceasing to take seriously that very serious person we are when we are not an artist.<ref>Jose Ortega y Gasset</ref> 

'''Artist:''' ''n.'' 3. a questing soul who pursues a singular vision, creates something of permanent value, and dies with the rent unpaid.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Assassination:''' ''n.'' is the extreme form of censorship.<ref>George Bernard Shaw, ''The Rejected Statement'', Pt. I</ref>

'''Assonance:''' ''n.'' a rhyme that has gone wrong. <ref>Adapted from Willy Russell's play ''Educating Rita''</ref>

'''Astrologer:''' ''n.'' an otherwise jobless new age savant who has convinced his clientele that his ability to foretell the distant future is measurably more reliable that his recall of past events from last night's 6 o'clock news.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Astrology:''' ''n.'' an ancient pseudoscience and barroom conversation starter founded on the premise that everyone born under the same stars will meet a dark stranger, receive a propitious business offer or suffer an attack of dyspepsia on the same day.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Atheism:''' ''n.'' 1. one's God-given right to not believe.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2009</ref>

'''Atheism:''' ''n.'' 2. a godless religion that retains all the dogmatic posturing of the faiths it so confidently denies, with few of the consolations.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Atheist:''' ''n.'' 1. the ultimate gambler.

'''Atheist:''' ''n.'' 2. someone who's all dressed up with no place to go after death.<ref>Adapted from James Duffecy</ref>

'''Atheist:''' ''n.'' 3. one who requires an indefinitely greater measure of faith than to receive all the great truths which atheism would deny.<ref>Joseph Addison</ref>

'''Atheist:''' ''n.'' 4. one with blind faith in a mistaken belief that the absence of evidence against a null hypothesis confirms it.<ref>Derek Abbott</ref>

'''Atheist:''' ''n.'' 5. a person who believes in one less god than you do.<ref>Donald Morgan</ref>

'''Atheist:''' ''n.'' 6. a man who believes himself to be an accident.<ref>Francis Thompson</ref>

'''Atheist:''' ''n.'' 7. a person who dines at a lavish banquet, believing there is no kitchen, no waste chute, nor chef.<ref>Derek Abbott</ref>

'''Atheist:''' ''n.'' 8. God's loyal opposition.<ref>Adapted from Woody Allen</ref>

'''Australia:''' ''n.'' a country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.<ref>Ambrose Bierce</ref>

'''Author:''' ''n.'' a writer with connections in the publishing industry.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref> 

'''Autobiography:''' ''n.'' a book written about oneself, now often written by somebody else. <ref>A. Smith quoted in the ''Chambers Gigglossary''</ref>