Editing The Wickedictionary (section)

==B==
'''Bachelor:''' ''n.'' one who knows more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.<ref>H. L. Mencken</ref>

'''Backlash:''' ''n.'' the equal and opposite reaction to actions on behalf of women, minorities, political correctness, jogging, spotted owls, oat bran and other timely causes, sometimes legitimate, that have been marketed to the public with fatally obnoxious zeal.

'''Bagpipes:''' ''n.'' an instrument of torture used by the Scots against other nations.<ref>A. Cole quoted in the ''Chambers Gigglossary''</ref>

'''Bail:''' ''n.'' an opportunity to see if you can get away with it the second time.<ref>N. Jones quoted in the ''Chambers Gigglossary''</ref>

'''Bank:''' ''n.'' 1. a place where money automatically increases in value, especially when we need to borrow some.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref> 

'''Bank:''' ''n.'' 2. an institution, which lends money that doesn't actually exist.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Bank:''' ''n.'' 3. that which creates slavery to debt.<ref>Adapted from Eric Singer</ref>

'''Banker:''' ''n.'' 1. one  who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.<ref>Mark Twain, attributed.</ref>

'''Banker:''' ''n.'' 2. a salesman who peddles debt as a commodity.<ref>Contributed specially for The Wickedictionary by John Salerno, 2010</ref>

'''Banking:''' ''n.'' a form of legalized theft where vast profits are made on transactions on monetary instruments that are not underpinned by true products and services, leading to rather spectacular global market crashes from time to time. <ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Bargain:''' ''n.'' something you can't use offered at a price you can't resist.<ref>N. Kelly quoted in the ''Chambers Gigglossary''</ref>

'''Baritone:''' ''n.'' (''operatic term'') unlike a tenor, a baritone is one who always sings about himself.<ref>''The Ten Tenors''</ref>

'''Bartender:''' ''n.'' a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

'''Bathroom:''' ''n.'' a room used by the entire family, believed by all except mothers to be self-cleaning.

'''Belladonna:''' ''n.'' in Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.<ref>Ambrose Bierce</ref>

'''Belt:''' ''n.'' a leather band worn around the waist to give other people the impression that one is slim enough to require it.

'''Big bang:''' ''n.'' the primordial slap on the backside of the newborn universe.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Bigotry:''' ''n.'' that which tries to keep truth safe in a grip so tight that kills it.<ref>Adapted from Rabindranath Tagore</ref>

'''Bimbo:''' ''n.'' one whose IQ is smaller than their bra size.<ref>Contributed specially for The Wickedictionary by R, 2010</ref>

'''Biography:''' ''n.'' a system in which the contradictions of a human life are unified.<ref>Jose Ortega y Gasset</ref>

'''Birthday:''' ''n.'' the unique celebration of being one Earth's orbit closer to death.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Julian O'Shea, 2009</ref>

'''Black holes:''' ''n.'' are where God divided by zero.<ref>Steven Wright</ref>

'''Blogs:''' ''n.'' proof that infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will only produce grammatically-incorrect, self-indulgent ramblings.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Julian O'Shea, 2009</ref> 

'''Bonus:''' ''n.'' money your boss gets each year for controlling your department's costs. Of course, if he paid your bonus he wouldn't achieve that target.<ref>Isham Research</ref>

'''Bookcase:''' ''n.'' a piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Bore:''' ''n.'' 1. a person who talks when you wish him to listen.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Bore:''' ''n.'' 2.  a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.<ref>Gian Vincenzo Gravina</ref>

'''Bore:''' ''n.'' 3. a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.<ref>Bert Leston Taylor</ref>

'''Bore:''' ''n.'' 4. one who leaves nothing out.<ref>Adapted from Voltaire</ref>

'''Boss:''' ''n.'' 1. someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

'''Boss:''' ''n.'' 2. a personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Bravery:''' ''n.'' a dizzying combination of luck and stupidity; the act of one who miscalculates the risks and yet survives by pure chance.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Brevity:''' ''n.'' is the soul of lingerie.<ref>Dorothy Parker</ref>

'''Bribe:''' ''n.'' a tip in advance.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Bride:''' ''n.'' a woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref> 

'''Broadsheet newspaper:''' ''n.'' a device for helping fools to feel superior.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Joshua Arnold-Foster, 2009</ref>

'''Building regulations:''' ''n.'' local civic laws regulating the construction of buildings, devised to make planning a bungalow in the Twentieth Century slower than building a cathedral in the Twelfth Century.<ref>Adapted from ''Yes Minister''</ref> 

'''Bureaucracy:''' ''n.'' 1. an ingenious scheme by benevolent governments for graciously providing unlimited mass employment.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Bureaucracy:''' ''n.'' 2. a group of over educated and underwhelming individuals who combine mystification and ineffectiveness in order to facilitate entropy.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by David Olney, 2010</ref>

'''Bureaucracy:''' ''n.'' 3. a government-funded distortion of national unemployment figures. <ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Karen Rossiter, 2010</ref>

'''Bureaucracy:''' ''n.'' 4. a stubborn clog in the sewer pipe of government.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Business:''' ''n.'' organized cheating.<ref>Leonard Rossiter</ref>