Editing The Wickedictionary (section)

==T==
'''Table manners:''' ''n.'' a gastronomic ritual invented by the English, so that good manners at least compensates the lack of good cuisine.<ref>Derek Abbott</ref>

'''Tabloid:''' ''n.'' a compact journal filled with tall tales of celebrity infidelities, woes, gaffes, feuds and diseases, so as to minimize mass resentment of their undeserved fame and wealth.

'''Tact:''' ''n.'' the ability to describe others as they see themselves.<ref>Abraham Lincoln</ref>

'''Talk show:''' ''n.'' an opportunity for people to confess to millions of viewers what they would be ashamed to admit to their next-door neighbors.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Tariff:''' ''n.'' a scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic produce against the greed of his consumer.<ref>Ambrose Bierce</ref>

'''Taste:''' ''n.'' a quality possessed by persons without originality or moral courage.<ref>George Bernard Shaw</ref>

'''Tax:''' ''n.'' is what costs you hundreds of dollars when there is a tax increase, but you only save about 30 cents when there is a tax cut.

'''Tax break:''' ''n.'' a desperate attempt at buying votes, particularly when announced close to an election.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Teacher:''' ''n.'' a person who talks to himself for a living; as opposed to a lunatic, who talks to himself for fun.

'''Team player:'''  ''n.''  the type of cooperative, self-effacing employee beloved by corporations that promote egotists to the top positions.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Tears:''' ''n.'' the hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power. 

'''Technology:''' ''n.'' 1. is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.<ref> Max Frisch</ref>

'''Technology:''' ''n.'' 2. the means by which today's forward-looking companies produce tomorrow's obsolete gadgets.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Technophilia:''' ''n.'' the father of invention.

'''Teleconference:''' ''n.'' a way of holding an international meeting without having to smell the French.<ref>Isham Research</ref>

'''Telephone plan:''' ''n.'' a form of indentured slavery, where to buy one's freedom from a telephone company comes at a high cost.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Television:''' ''n.'' 1. a more socially acceptable synonym of myopovision.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Eran Binebaum, 2010</ref>

'''Television:''' ''n.'' 2. a tiresome advertising portal punctuated with an occasional movie of interest.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Television:''' ''n.'' 3. the orphaned step-child of radio.

'''Temptation:''' ''n.'' 1. that which goes away when you yield to it.<ref>Adapted from Oscar Wilde</ref>

'''Temptation:''' ''n.'' 2. is a woman's weapon and man's excuse.<ref>H. L. Mencken</ref>

'''Temptation:''' ''n.'' 3. is an irresistible force at work on a movable body.<ref>H. L. Mencken</ref>

'''Thief:''' ''n.'' 1. a petty thief is one you hang, but a truly great thief is one you appoint to public office.<ref>Adapted from Aesop</ref>

'''Thief:''' ''n.'' 2. a person with a fine eye for opportunity.

'''Theology:''' ''n.'' 1. is searching in a dark cellar at midnight for a black cat that isn't there. <ref>Robert A. Heinlein</ref>

'''Theology:''' ''n.'' 2. is the recitation of the incomprehensible by the unspeakable to pick the pockets of the unthinking.<ref>Robert Anton Wilson</ref>

'''Theory:''' ''n.'' (''scientific term'') is the first term in the Taylor series of practice. <ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Tom Cover, 2010</ref>

'''Thermodynamics:''' ''n.''  (''scientific term'') is just number counting.<ref>Paul C. W. Davies</ref>

'''Thinking:''' ''n.'' a rearrangement of one's prejudices.<ref>Adapted from William James</ref>

'''Time:''' ''n.'' 1. is what stops everything from happening all at once.<ref>John Wheeler</ref>

'''Time:''' ''n.'' 2. is that which wounds all heels.<ref>Groucho Marx</ref>

'''Time capsule:''' ''n.'' a collection of objects gathered to show our descendants how tasteless and dim-witted we were.

'''Timetable:''' ''n.'' a list that sets out all the times when a train will definitely not be departing on any particular day.

'''Today:''' ''n.'' 1. the most obscure part of history.

'''Today:''' ''n.'' 2. is what will be thought of as part of the Dark Ages.

'''Today:''' ''n.'' 3. is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday.

'''Tolerance:''' ''n.'' 1. is the virtue of the man without convictions.<ref>Gilbert Keith Chesterton</ref>

'''Tolerance:''' ''n.'' 2. the respect of another fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.<ref>Adapted from H. L. Menecken</ref>

'''Tomato:''' ''n.'' a filthy, creepy excuse for a food. Not really a fruit, not really a vegetable. Neither group wanted to be associated with these slime filled things. And tomatoes are there in the middle, sleazing up and pretending to be part of whatever group is popular at the time. Claiming that it was always secretly on their side, until fashions change and it sleazes off to suck up to the opposition. One never can trust a tomato. Cut them open, and they turn out to be mostly air. No worthwhile substance except a cluster of the world's most slime-coated seeds. And, of course, the seeds grease about so you can't do anything useful with them, and then weeks later you're still finding the grotty little things, stuck in odd places where they've lodged and dried like some slimy scab. The only good one is a liquefied one.<ref>Adapted from Lochy Cupit</ref>

'''Tomorrow:''' ''n.''  one of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

'''Tradition:''' ''n.'' is the illusion of permanence.<ref>Woody Allen</ref>

'''Transparency:''' ''n.'' refers to the open flow of information between management and the workers. Now done with such zeal that the workers have no time to read the resulting barrage of emails.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Trial:''' ''n.'' 1. a contest to see who can afford the cleverest lawyer.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Trial:''' ''n.'' 2. a formal inquiry designed to prove and put on record the blameless characters of judges, advocates, and jurors.<ref>Ambrose Bierce</ref>

'''Truth:''' ''n.'' 1. is that which begins as a blasphemy.<ref>George Bernard Shaw</ref>

'''Truth:''' ''n.'' 2. is that which has only to pass through a few persons to become fiction.<ref>Evan Esar</ref>

'''Truth:''' ''n.'' 3. any statement that can't be proved false.<ref>From TV show, ''Yes Minster''</ref>

'''Tyrant:''' ''n.'' a politician who is no longer concealing his ambitions and intentions.