Editing The Wickedictionary (section)

==C==
'''Canada:''' ''n.'' according to the U.S., a land that will never be great so long as it continues to burden its citizens with universal health care, refuses to drill for oil in federally protected wildlife reserves, and neglects its duty to blindly support unilateral invasions of Middle Eastern states.<ref>Adapted from The Onion</ref>

'''Car:''' ''n.'' a motorized cubicle on wheels in which using a phone whilst driving is illegal. However, shaving, knitting, origami folding, eating, undressing, and performing lewd acts whilst driving are perfectly acceptable and fundamental to human liberty.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Compiler:''' ''n.'' (''computing term'') a program written specifically to treat a higher level language program as data, reduce some of it to machine code, rearrange the rest into another higher level language such as Greek, display an alarming and incomprehensible message such as 'Fatal Internal Stack Failure' and then give up.<ref>John Norris</ref>

'''Canberra:''' ''n.'' a lost opportunity to toss a coin between Melbourne and Sydney. Can also be used as the exemplar for determining shades of grey.<ref>K.R.</ref>

'''Capitalism:''' ''n.'' 1. survival of the fattest.

'''Capitalism:''' ''n.'' 2. a resilient economic system that adjusts its own deficiencies and excesses, by ushering in a new era of exploitation.

'''Capital punishment:''' ''n.'' the controversial right of the state to end a life by gassing, shooting, hanging, needling or quick-frying; believed effective as a deterrent to future crimes by the same individual.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Catholicism:''' ''n.'' a powerful multilateral platform working under the ill-informed belief of its own righteousness. Noted for use of effective group think methodologies spanning from 11th Century to 19th Century in order to sustain power and control. ''See Inquisition.''<ref>K.R.</ref> 

'''Canonization:''' ''n.'' a posthumous elevation to sainthood; a state of grace attained by religious leaders through miracles, by politicians via assassination, and by rock stars as a result of a timely drug overdose.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''CD player:''' ''n.'' an irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.<ref>Adapted from Leonard Rossiter</ref>

'''Celebrity:''' ''n.'' someone who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.<ref>H. L. Mencken, ''A Mencken Chrestomathy'' (1949)</ref>

'''Celibacy:''' ''n.'' 1. a respite from the pleasures and perils of sexual congress; a way of life traditionally practiced by Catholic priests, monks, Shakers, stamp collectors, overly zealous careerists, Star Trek fans, hermits, and amoebas. <ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Celibacy:''' ''n.'' 2. a renouncement of pleasures of the flesh followed by indefinite abstinence, usually lasting no more than three days with best of intentions. <ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Celibacy:''' ''n.'' 3. mind over hormones.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Censor:''' ''n.'' a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.<ref>Granville Hicks</ref>

'''Chess:''' ''n.'' is a foolish expedient for making idle people believe they are doing something very clever, when they are only wasting their time. <ref>George Bernard Shaw, ''The Irrational Knot'' (1905)</ref>

'''Chicken:''' ''n.''  an animal you eat before its born and after its dead.

'''Chihuahua:''' ''n.'' a Mexican rat which is sometimes mistaken for a dog. 

'''Childhood:''' ''n.''  the rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Cinnamon:''' ''n.'' sawdust.<ref>Derek Abbott</ref>

'''Civilization:''' ''n.''  is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. <ref>Mark Twain</ref>

'''Classic:'''  ''n.''  a book that everyone praises, but no one reads.<ref>Adapted from Mark Twain</ref>

'''Clergyman:''' ''n.'' the official custodian of a religious congregation's ancient tribal beliefs, appointed so that members can leave spiritual matters to a qualified professional while they go about the business of sinning and making a living.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref> 

'''Clothing:''' ''n.'' a means to allow nakedness at one's choosing.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Coca-Cola:''' ''n.''  the cesspool water of American capitalism.<ref>Kim Jong Il</ref> 

'''Cocktail party:''' ''n.'' a device for paying off obligations to people you don't want to invite to dinner.<ref>Charles Merrill Smith</ref>

'''Coincidence:''' ''n.'' a powerful aphrodisiac.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by John Ruffels, 2010</ref>

'''College:'''  ''n.'' the four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

'''Colloquialism:''' ''n.'' a formal word for an informal word. <ref>David Cook quoted in the ''Chambers Gigglossary''</ref>

'''Comedian:''' ''n.'' one whose duty it is to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.<ref>Adapted from George Carlin</ref>

'''Comedy:''' ''n.''  is simply a funny way of being serious.<ref>Peter Ustinov</ref>

'''Commitment:''' ''n.'' the capacity of a would-be husband to do what he's told.<ref>Warren Keyes quoted in the ''Chambers Gigglossary''</ref>

'''Committee:''' ''n.'' 1. individuals who can do nothing individually and sit and decide that nothing can be done together.

'''Committee:''' ''n.'' 2. a group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.<ref>Richard Harkness</ref>

'''Committee:''' ''n.'' 3.  a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.<ref>Sir Barnett Cocks</ref>

'''Communism:''' ''n.'' 1. is largely made up of prophecies, like any other revealed religion.<ref>Adapted from H. L. Mencken</ref>

'''Communism:''' ''n.'' 2. liberation of the people from the burdens of liberty.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Communist:''' ''n.'' in the UK, a child of the 1950s with hippy tendencies who fought for unionism, despised bourgeois values, and lived in the poorest regions of London's East End. These formerly squalid living quarters are now trendy upwardly mobile lodgings, reaping the benefits of successive property price booms, transforming their eager owners into well-coiffed landlords with all the values they once previously spurned.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Common sense:''' ''n.'' is nothing more than a deposit of prejudices laid down by the mind before you reach eighteen.<ref>Albert Einstein</ref> 

'''Comprehensive school:''' ''n.'' 1. in the UK, a large-scale plant for the systematic production of consistent mediocrity.<ref>Leonard Rossiter</ref>

'''Comprehensive school:''' ''n.'' 2. in the UK, an educational abortion, a vast factory, mass-producing units for the prefabrication of the classless dictatorship of the proletariat.

'''Compromise:''' ''n.'' the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he got the bigger piece.'' 

'''Computer:''' ''n.'' 1. an electronic time-saving device that is commonly used for time-wasting activities.<ref>Warwick Annear quoted in the ''Chambers Gigglossary''</ref>

'''Computer:''' ''n.'' 2. a modern device for spewing out great quantities of scrap paper and incorrect information.<ref>Leonard Rossiter</ref>

'''Computer virus:''' ''n.'' a welcomed device for keeping anti-virus software manufacturers in business.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Concept:''' ''n.'' any idea for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.

'''Conception:''' ''n.'' the miracle of producing losers from winners.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Lloyd Irving, 2010</ref>

'''Conclusion:''' ''n.'' the place where you got tired of thinking.<ref>Steven Wright</ref>

'''Conference:''' ''n.'' the confusion of one person multiplied by the number present.

'''Conference room:''' ''n.'' a place where everyone talks, no one listens, and everyone disagrees later.

'''Confession:''' ''n.'' a declaration of one's faults. Often done by confessing little faults, to suggest the absence of big ones.

'''Confidence:''' ''n.'' the feeling one experiences before one fully understands the situation.<ref>R. McCarthy quoted in the ''Chambers Gigglossary''</ref>

'''Confidential:''' ''n.'' won't be leaked to the newspapers until later today.<ref>Adapted from TV show, ''Yes Minister''</ref>

'''Conflict of interest:''' ''n.'' 1. an ingenious mechanism for reluctantly forfeiting time consuming professional duties, avoiding committee meetings, and dodging jury service.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Conflict of interest:''' ''n.'' 2. in the US, the reason cited why government officials are not allowed to let you pay their lunch bill, thereby implying they are so cheap that they can be bribed with only one business lunch.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Conflict of interest:''' ''n.'' 3. in the US, the reason for impeaching a President if he has inappropriate relations with a junior staff member, but is perfectly acceptable when generously handing out post-war reconstruction contracts out to all your buddies.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Conflict of interest:''' ''n.'' 4. an ethical principle that precludes one inappropriately taking part in an activity, but unfortunately does not count as a reason to exclude you from wartime army service.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Conflict of interest:''' ''n.'' 5. what is automatically suspected if you don't declare it, but is unquestioned if you declare it and eagerly leave a committee meeting.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Conflict of interest:'''  ''n.'' 6. is the situation that occurs when a government punishes the people for its dependence on discredited substances (eg. tobacco, carbon etc.) by raising taxes on them, thereby increasing the government's own dependence.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Congratulation:''' ''n.'' the civility of envy.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Conscience:''' ''n.'' 1. the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.<ref>H. L. Mencken, ''A Mencken Chrestomathy'' (1949)</ref>

'''Conscience:''' ''n.'' 2. is that which hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

'''Conscience:''' ''n.'' 3. is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.<ref>Evan Esar</ref>

'''Conscience:''' ''n.'' 4. is that which makes cowards of us all.<ref>Adapted from Shakespeare, Hamlet Scene I</ref>

'''Conscience:''' ''n.'' 5. an anticipation of other people's opinions.

'''Consensus:'''  ''n.'' is when everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.<ref>Abba Eban</ref>

'''Conservative:''' ''n.''  1. one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.<ref>Leo Rosten</ref> 

'''Conservative:''' ''n.'' 2. a statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. <ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Conservative:''' ''n.'' 3. in the US, one who believes that non-conservatives in other countries are either 'commies' or socialists and that conservatives in other countries are either despots or terrorists.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Conservative:''' ''n.'' 4. one tending to maintain existing views and conditions; often extending to faithfully conserving his maturity from when he was 9 years old.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Conservative:''' ''n.'' 5. in the US, one with a faith so large that he can move mountains, dispel global warming, and cause abiotic oil to eternally spout forth from the earth.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Conservative:''' ''n.'' 6. in the US, a decent fellow who counsels the poor to earn pennies for their daily bread, while he and his family dine nightly on filet mignon.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Conservative:''' ''n.'' 7. one who adopts old worn out views once invented by radicals.<ref>Adapted from Mark Twain</ref>

'''Conservative:''' ''n.'' 8. one who’d give anything to stamp out pacifism and other liberal evils in his own country, and yet ironically prays for enemy nations to vote for peace-loving liberal governments.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Conservative:''' ''n.'' 9. in the US, one who rejects the control of big government, but willingly submits to the dictatorship of big corporations.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Conservative:''' ''n.'' 10. in the US, one who idolizes the virtues of Darwinism in all spheres of life from economics to national defence, yet vigorously denies its existence in biology.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Conservative:''' ''n.'' 11. in the US, a selective socialist who enjoys collective spending on everything from the military to building roads to space missions, with the exception of healthcare.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Conservative:''' ''n.'' 12. in the US, one who believes that ostentatious spending of the super rich 'trickles down' to the poorest levels of society, but that any government spending magically disappears into a black hole.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2011</ref>

'''Conservative:''' ''n.'' 13. in the US, one who believes that major calamities are acts of God, except for global market crashes that are acts of government.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2011</ref>

'''Consistent:''' ''n.'' dead.<ref>Adapted from Aldous Huxley</ref>

'''Consistency:''' ''n.'' 1. is the last refuge of the unimaginative.<ref>Oscar Wide</ref>

'''Consistency:''' ''n.'' 2. is the enemy of enterprise, just as symmetry is the enemy of art.<ref>George Bernard Shaw</ref>

'''Conspiracy theory:''' ''n.'' that which joins up all the factual dots in the simplest way, at the expense of assuming a rather complicated set of underlying motives put into action by flawless forward planning.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Consult:'''  ''n.'' to seek approval for a course of action already decided upon.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Consultant:''' ''n.'' 1. a jobless person who shows executives how to work.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Consultant:''' ''n.'' 2. one who has credibility because he's not dumb enough to work at your company.<ref>Adapted from Scott Adams</ref>

'''Consultant:''' ''n.'' 3. a person who is called in when no one wants to take the blame for what is going on.

'''Contraception:''' ''n.'' an opportunity for one party to 'accidentally' produce a pregnancy without mutual consent.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Contract:''' ''n.'' a document that makes extortion legal.<ref>J. A. Coleman quoted in the ''Chambers Gigglossary''</ref>

'''Cordon bleu:''' ''n.'' a term used to describe an individual who is particularly adept at disguising food.<ref>Leonard Rossiter</ref> 

'''Correctional facility:''' ''n.'' rent-free public housing for thieves, rapists, muggers, murderers, deadbeats, extortionists, drug fiends, and other assorted malcontents who are thought to benefit from confinement in each other's company.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Corruption:''' ''n.'' is nature's way of restoring our faith in democracy.<ref>Peter Ustinov</ref> 

'''Corporation:''' ''n.'' 1. an ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Corporation:''' ''n.'' 2. a miniature totalitarian state governed by a hierarchy of unelected officials who take a dim view of individualism, free speech, equality, and eggheads.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Cosmetics:''' ''n.'' 1. a means of presenting goods without necessarily guaranteeing their delivery.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Lloyd Irving, 2010</ref>

'''Cosmetics:''' ''n.'' 2. an arsenal of facial enhancements commonly applied in excess by women and male celebrities who feel the need to look embalmed.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Cosmetics:''' ''n.'' 3. used for enhancing a woman's beauty—a sign of things not necessarily to come.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Cheryl Rae, 2010</ref>

'''Country:''' ''n.'' a piece of land with an imaginary border, across which the flow of travellers is forceably controlled. A device that bestows a basic freedom to migrating birds, but denies the same to humans.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Courage:''' ''n.'' is often lack of insight, whereas cowardice in many cases is based on good information.<ref>Peter Ustinov</ref>

'''Courtesy:''' ''n.'' 1. the art of yawning with your mouth closed.

'''Courtesy:''' ''n.'' 2. a form of polite behaviour practiced by civilized people when they have time.

'''Cover up:''' ''n.'' responsible discretion exercised in the national interest to prevent unnecessary disclosure of eminently justifiable procedures in which an untimely revelation would severely impair public confidence.<ref>From the TV show, ''Yes Minister''</ref>

'''Creativity:''' ''n.'' 1. is knowing how to hide your sources.<ref>Albert Einstein</ref>

'''Creativity:''' ''n.'' 2. is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.<ref>Scott Adams</ref>

'''Credit:''' ''n.'' (''in finance'') a gift that keeps on taking.

'''Criminal:''' ''n.'' a person with predatory instincts who hasn't sufficient capital to form a corporation.

'''Criminal lawyer:''' ''n.'' a tautology.

'''Critic:''' ''n.'' one who searches for ages for the wrong word, which, to give due credit, is eventually found.<ref>Adapted from Peter Ustinov</ref>

'''Criticism:''' ''n.''  is prejudice made plausible.<ref>Henry Louis Mencken</ref>

'''Crouton:''' ''n.'' stale bread.<ref>Adapted from George Carlin</ref>

'''Cuba:''' ''n.'' an island that has perfected Communism, creating a truly equal society where desperate poverty is distributed evenly among all citizens.<ref>Adapted from The Onion</ref>

'''Cubicle:''' ''n.''   a sensory deprivation chamber designed to boost productivity in the workplace, at least according to people who work in corner offices with large windows.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Cubism:''' ''n.''  is where the laws of perspective have been repealed.<ref>Based on Calvin & Hobbes</ref>

'''Cuddling:'''  ''n.'' a sweetly chaste form of intimacy that tends to make the average man feel like a muzzled hound on a fox hunt.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Cult film:''' ''n.'' a movie seen about fifty times by about that many people.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Cynic:''' ''n.'' 1. a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.<ref>H. L. Mencken, attributed.</ref>

'''Cynic:''' ''n.'' 2. is what an idealist calls a realist. <ref>From the TV show, ''Yes Minister''.</ref>

'''Cynic:''' ''n.'' 3. a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.<ref>Oscar Wilde</ref>

'''Cynic:''' ''n.'' 4. an idealist who's rose-coloured glasses have been removed, snapped in two, and stomped into the ground immediately improving his vision.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Cynic:''' ''n.'' 5. a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.<ref>Edgar A. Shoaff</ref>

'''Cynic:''' ''n.'' 6. a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Cynic:''' ''n.'' 7.  one who is prematurely disappointed in the future.<ref>Sidney J. Harris</ref>

'''Cynicism:''' ''n.'' the fine art of expressing the truth without its pants on.<ref>Derek Abbott</ref>