Editing The Wickedictionary (section)

==D==
'''Dancing:''' ''n.'' a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.<ref>George Bernard Shaw</ref>

'''Danger:''' ''n.'' a perilous situation that arises if you are right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.<ref>Adapted from Voltaire</ref>

'''Date:''' ''n.'' a opportunity to find out why another person is still single.

'''Dating:''' ''t.v.'' an elaborate prelude to mating that fulfills much the same function as the sniffing ritual in dogs, but without its forthright honesty.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Die:''' ''v.'' to stop sinning suddenly.<ref>Elbert Hubbard</ref> 

'''Death:''' ''n.'' 1. that which is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.<ref>George Carlin</ref>

'''Death:''' n. 2. a fascinating journey where you get to touch a new dimension, but where you ain’t coming back.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Lochy Cupitt</ref>

'''Debugging:''' ''n.'' the process of removing software bugs, as opposed to programming that is the process of putting them in.<ref> Adapted from Edsger Dijkstra</ref> 

'''Defence:''' ''n.'' an illusion of security for the public, not the enemy. <ref>Adapted from ''Yes Minister''.</ref>

'''Definition:''' ''n.'' the act of legislating meanings through clever word play.<ref>Karim Murji</ref>

'''Democratic election:''' ''n.'' a pork barrel load of promises.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Democratic party:''' ''n.'' an organization with contradictory policies designed to appeal to the middle ground for attracting marginal voters.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Reginald Coutts</ref>

'''Democracy:''' ''n.'' 1. the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.<ref>H. L. Mencken, ''A Mencken Chrestomathy'' (1949)</ref>

'''Democracy:''' ''n.'' 2. is a form of worship; it is the worship of jackals by jackasses.<ref>H. L. Mencken, attributed.</ref>

'''Democracy:''' ''n.'' 3. is the pathetic belief in the wisdom of collective ignorance.<ref>H. L. Mencken, attributed.</ref>

'''Democracy:''' ''n.'' 4. is a place where numerous elections are held at great cost without issues and with interchangeable candidates.<ref>Gore Vidal</ref> 

'''Democracy:''' ''n.'' 5. is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.<ref>E. B. White</ref>

'''Democracy:''' ''n.'' 6.  true democracy is that one moron is equal to one genius.<ref>Leo Szilard, ''The Voice of the Dolphins: And Other Stories'' (1961).</ref>

'''Democracy:''' ''n.'' 7. a democracy is the name politicians give to their electorate when they need them.

'''Democracy:''' ''n.'' 8. a system which ensures that everybody gets what nobody wants. <ref>Iain Leonard quoted in the ''Chambers Gigglossary''</ref>

'''Democracy:''' ''n.'' 9. a dictatorship by the corporations with the money to influence mindless votes.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Democracy:''' ''n.'' 10. is that which guarantees an equality of opportunity, but not an equality of conditions.<ref>Adapted from 
Irving Kristol</ref>  

'''Democracy:''' ''n.'' 11. a system where uncertainty is used to select a government, as the process is driven by indecisive swing voters.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Denial:''' ''n.'' that which keeps an optimist from becoming a pessimist.<ref>Adapted from Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Depression:''' ''n.'' 1. that which causes women to either eat or go shopping, or men to invade another country.<ref>Adapted from  Elayne Boosler</ref>

'''Depression:''' ''n.'' 2. one-sided bipolar disorder.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Designer label:''' ''n.'' a fake fake, as opposed to a genuine fake brand that is more highly sought after.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Desk:''' ''n.'' a semi-mythical structure believed to exist underneath all your paperwork.

'''Dictator:''' ''n.'' the alpha male in a tribe of baboons.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Diplomacy:''' ''n.''  the patriotic art of lying for one's country.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Diplomat:''' ''n.'' a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.<ref>Caskie Stinnett</ref>

'''Disciplinarian:''' ''n.'' one who selflessly improves the performance of others by dangling the threat of punishment over them for their rightful edification.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Discontentment:''' ''n.'' an absurdly exaggerated idea of the happiness of others.

'''Discretion:''' ''n.'' secrecy.<ref>From TV show, ''Yes Minister''</ref>

'''Disk crash:'''  ''n.'' a typical computer response to any critical deadline.

'''Divorce:''' ''n.'' 1. is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash. <ref>Rita Mae Brown</ref>

'''Divorce:''' ''n.'' 2. from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.<ref>Robin Williams</ref>

'''Divorce:''' ''n.'' 3. the future tense of marriage.

'''Dressed:''' ''n.''  the state of being naked under one's clothing. <ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Doctor:''' ''n.'' the same as a lawyer; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.<ref>Anton Chekhov</ref>  

'''Do-gooder:''' ''n.'' one with no time to be good, as he is too busy doing good.<ref>Adapted from Rabindranath Tagore</ref> 

'''Dog owners:''' ''n. pl.'' cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.<ref>August Strindberg</ref>

'''Dotcom:''' ''n.'' a valiant online enterprise that typically favors coolness over profitability; for this reason, esp. following the Crash of 2000, now commonly referred to by traumatized investors as a 'dotbomb.'  <ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Doubt:''' ''n.'' 1. is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.<ref>Kahlil Gibran</ref>

'''Doubt:''' ''n.'' 2. that which grows with knowledge.<ref>Johann Wolfgang von Goethe</ref>

'''Doubt:''' ''n.'' 3. is an absolute certainty in the belief that nothing is black and white.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2009</ref>

'''Doubt:''' ''n.'' 4. beliefs are what divide people. Doubt unites them.<ref>Peter Ustinov</ref>

'''Downsizing:''' ''v.'' the act of ejecting a large number of employees from a company, as opposed to 'firing' that is a term reserved for the privileged few.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Drugs:''' ''n. pl.'' in the 1960s, were substances like LSD that made the world look weird, now it's ones like Prozac to make the world look normal.

'''Dumped''' ''n.'' the state in which your latest love interest has selflessly relieved you of any obligation to put up with a lifetime of their toxic behaviour. There are three types of dump: (i) The honest dump is when you are told you are incompatible on the first date. This in fact saves you of a lifetime of misery and is the most sought-after variety. (ii) The dishonest dump is when you are strung along dating for many years, nagged to spend a fortune on diamonds, and then dumped. (iii) The psycho dump is when you are dumped in hell-fire anger on the second date after a minor infraction, such as inconsiderately forgetting to phone that same night to soothe her insecurities. The psycho dumper is one whose honesty of emotion finally wins over their dishonesty of mind, at least releasing you from a life of eternal torment.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Dust:''' ''n.'' mud with all the juice sucked out.

'''Dyslexia:''' ''n.'' a medical condition whose sufferers couldn't possibly spell it.<ref>Nigel Drury quoted in the ''Chambers Gigglossary''</ref>